Gophertopia

“Free candy forever!” -The motto of Gophertopia and a religious mantra for the Gophers

Gophertopia (known as Gophy-topi to the Gophers) is a planet made entirely for hosting a peaceful community revolving around the Gopher species. Gophers can freely play around and eat candy without any responsibility. It is ruled over by the Queen Ashley, a witch that strives to make the perfect paradise of cute and cuddly Gophers. While outsiders are welcome to visit to play with and feed the Gophers, they have to follow incredibly strict guidelines or face punishment.

While a seemingly peaceful world, Gophertopia is full of many dark secrets. In reality, Gophertopia is a nightmarish police state that actively siphons resources from conquered worlds (known as the Resource Worlds) to maintain the paradise. The police and government agents will invade people’s homes and take their food and other items to give to the Gophers.

Making a Gopher cry is considered the highest crime in Gophertopia. No matter the circumstances, it is never the fault of the Gophers. The person responsible for making the Gopher cry will be arrested and sentenced to an arbitrary prison time length anywhere from a few hours to a few decades.

Geography

The planet consists of a large ocean with a single Gopher-shaped continent filled with luscious, open green fields. The planet’s sun has a smiling Gopher face on it which changes expression based on how healthy Gophertopia is.

Gophertopia’s ecosystem is specifically made for the Gophers. Besides small, harmless insects such as butterflies, there are no other animals. There is not even any sea life in the ocean.

Because Gophertopia isn’t self-sustaining, resources have to be imported from other worlds. This includes not just food and building materials but also the planet’s heat and air.

Points of Interest

Gophertopia consists of multiple locations where Gophers play and eat.

Playtime Fields

A luscious, open green pasture where Gophers spend the entire day frolicking about, enjoying the sun. They will frolick and dance about not caring about anything in the world, usually chasing butterflies.

When they get hungry, they go from place to place to ask for free candy.

Gopher Market

A marketplace where Gophers get various goods for free. Among the goods are “cozy blankets”, milk, cookies, candy and ice cream. A Gopher simply has to approach one of these shops and ask for candy and they will be given some.

Yellow school buses transport the Gophers from place to place around the market though some Gophers just ride the bus for fun.

Daycare

The daycare is where newborn Gophers are looked after. They spend the entire day singing nursery rhymes and of course, eating candy. While some Gophers may sleep here, many Gophers will sleep wherever it suits them even if it’s outside on the grass.

The daycare is also the place where Gophers can go to help them stop crying or to receive aid for basic medical treatments such as indigestion from eating too much candy. However, this treatment often amounts to little more than giving the Gophers milk to drink and hugging them, telling them everything will be alright.

Gopher Barracks

A stone castle where Gopher knights stay. It is rigged with traps to discourage trespassers.

Gopher Food Storage

A wooden castle where food is stored in bulk. The types of food that can be found here are a selection of all sorts of foods, including but not limited to the following:

• Candy
• Cookies
• Ice cream
• Milk
• Doughnuts
• Chocolate sundaes

Naturally, some Gophers have decided to sneak into here to gorge themselves without restraint. Of course, very little is done to stop them.

Gopher School of Cuteness

Gophers that are old enough go to a school where they learn about Gophertopia. Topic ranges, however, are very narrow given the limited intelligence of the Gophers. Most of it is just a follow up on daycare where they learn more nursery rhymes and dances. The lyrics to these songs are mostly Gophertopia propaganda about how great Gophertopia is and how much candy they get to eat. Some songs also celebrate the punishment of “meanies”.

Gophers also learn various “bedtime stories”. They are told the stories of Gopher mythology, including the story of a Gopher Mother who will promise “free candy forever”.

Gopher Park

An amusement park where Gophers play with many Gopher-themed rides and go on roller coasters. The mascot is Mr. Happy, a Gopher jack-in-the-box.

Gopher Palace

A tower where Queen Ashley personally resides. The interior consists of plush blue carpets with drawings of Gophers on them. Stone blocks also have carvings of Gophers on them.

The tower has an elevator to the top floor where the Queen’s room is. However, Gophers are the only ones allowed to use the elevator. Everyone else must take a winding set of stairs with some parkour required to reach different areas.

Guarding one of the interior hallways of the palace is a stone statue called Mr. Ice Cream. This statue is a monument ot the 164,984th time a Gopher has eaten ice cream. When a trespasser goes by, it will drop down, and the ice cream scoop portion of the statue will begin rolling after to crush the trespasser.

Running is not allowed in the hallways of the Gopher Palace, and Mr. Ice Cream enfores that.

Time Out Prison

The prison of Gophertopia, also sometimes just known as “Time Out”. Common Gophers are never held here as it is written into law that nothing is ever their fault. Non-Gophers as well as any Gophers that behave abnormally are sent here to receive punishment and are branded as “meanies”. Often, they are forced to listen and watch Gopher television on endless loop.

Surprisingly, for a prison, it is well furnished. It is just as decorated as the school and daycare.

Government

“Everything belongs to the Gophers. Their needs will always be more important than yours. The Gophers must always be happy even if it means others are not.” -Queen Ashley

Gophertopia is an anti-intellectual totalitarian police state with an asymetrical justice system. All Gophers (with the notable exception of Heretic Gophers) have complete free reign to do whatever they want, even if others or themselves come to harm. Everyone else is obligated to accomodate the needs of the Gophers whatever they might be.

Gophertopia’s territory is divided into two separate sectors. The capital is the planet Gophertopia where Gophers freely roam around. The Resource Worlds are the conquered areas where the natives are forced into giving up their resources as well as being forced to keep Gophers as pets.

Administration

• Queen Ashley – The current and only monarch of the Gophers. She created the Gophers to have her own paradise of cuddly animals while her staff filled in the rest of the details.
• Orgog – The righthand of Queen Ashely. He is the only Gorgovsian Gopher among the staff. He betrayed his own people having converted to the Cult of the Gopher Mother, the obscene religion that formed among Queen Ashley’s new Gophers. He wears a dark wizard outfit.
• Mr. Happy – He appears as a jack-in-the-box with the head of a Gopher wearing a party hat. He is one of the primary entertainers of the Gophers.
• Mr. Angry – A floating Gopher balloon head with a party hat. He is the leader of the Gopher Barracks.
• Mr. Grumpy – A Big Gopher filled with helium that bounces around. Like the other Gopher admins, he wears a party hat. He is the leader of the Gopher Food Storage.
• Mr. Ice Cream – An enchanted statue that guards the Gopher Palace.

Laws

Law enforcement is based solely on whether or not a non-Gopher makes a Gopher cry regardless of the context. Rulebreakers and undesirables are often called “meanies”.

If a Gopher happens to make another Gopher cry somehow, whichever non-Gopher happens to be geographically the closest will get arrested due to their supposed inaction in preventing the Gophers from crying.

The Main Rules

There are five main laws (also just known as the rules) of Gophertopia. There are only five because Queen Ashley doesn’t actually know how to write a complex legal system for a government. All other rules are unwritten and are up to interpretation and discretion of Queen Ashley and her subordinates.

The Gophertopia Rules that are written down are as follows:

1. Everything belongs to the Gophers.

2. Do whatever a Gopher says.

3. Do whatever the Queen says.

4. Making a Gopher cry will send you to jail.

5. Anything bad that happens is never the fault of the Gophers.

Candy Tax

There is also a “candy tax” that is not necessarily officially written down but is strongly implied. All households under the control of Gophertopia must always be ready to supply a Gopher with candy. Usually, Gophers will go door to door even when it’s not Halloween to ask for candy.

For this reason, it is strongly recommended to always carry a bag of candy with you at all times.

Meals

Citizens are not allowed to eat any sort of food while a Gopher is watching them. This is because Gophers will get sad about seeing food being eaten that was not meant for them.

Home Invasion

Personal property is not recognized under the rule of Gophertopia. If a Gopher breaks into a citizen’s home, the citizen must allow it to take whatever it wants. They are not allowed to defend themselves if the Gophers tries to eat them, a family member or one of their pets.

Holidays

While any holidays can be celebrated in Gophertopia, non-Gophers are not allowed to receive individual gifts. For example, when celebrating Christmas, all presents must be given to the Gophers. It is a punishable offense if a citizen allows a Gopher to witness them receiving a gift. The reason for this is that Gophers will start crying whenever they see someone else getting a gift that is not meant for them.

It is considered incredibly risky to celebrate one’s own birthday to the point where it is for the most part not practiced at all. If a citizen does acknowledge their own birthday, they have to give away all cake and presents to the Gophers.

Punishment for crimes

All Gophers, except for Gorgovsians and Heretic Gophers, have complete immunity from the legal system and cannot be prosecuted for any criminal activity that they may engage in. They are quite literally allowed to do whatever they want.

For everyone else, crimes are generally considered equal to one another no matter the severity. Sentences are passed swiftly within the same day the crime was committed with no trial by jury. The most common penalty is jailtime, the length of which is usually up to discretion by the judge. Often, there is no set date and inmates are let out of jail “whenever the judge feels like it”. A person can be released after a few days, weeks or even years.

While in jail, inmates can be subjugated to a variety of additional punishments which include but are not limited to the following:

• Essay writing – An inmate may be asked to write a 1,000 word essay promising to never hurt the Gophers again. This essay must be at least 1,000 words long. The inmate must also explain what they did wrong in a manner that is acceptable to Gophertopia.
• Forced listening – An inmate will be forcibly strapped to a set of headphones that blast Gopher nursery rhymes and sound clips of Gophers crying on loop. An inmate may have to wear these headphones for multiple days at a time.
• Forced watching – An inmate may be strapped to a chair and forced to watch Gopher TV shows on loop for days at a time.

The ultimate punishment however is execution. The convicted person is slathered in sweets and candy then offered up to a giant Gopher to be eaten alive. Those on death row are sometimes reserved for festivals where they are ritualistically sacrificed in the name of the Gopher Mother.

To spare themselves of the pain, an inmate can opt for lobotomization where they become directly brainwashed and reduced to having the same cognitive skills as a Common Gopher. The inmate will then celebrate with “free candy forever” as they get executed.

Internment Camps

All cats within Gophertopia territory are put into internment camps. This is because according to Gophertopia, cats are considered inherently violent due to having claws and teeth.

Sentient gingerbreadmen and other types of sentient food also face a similar treatment, though they are destined for an even crueler fate – to eventually become food for the Gophers.

Speech

It is a jailable offense to criticize the Gophers or their behavior. It does not matter whether it’s an open, planned out critique or a venting of one’s frustrations to someone else. This is because any sort of verbal criticism will hurt the Gopher’s feelings.

It is a punishable event to talk about any banned topics or to engage in any media that would make a Gopher cry if they saw it. This includes even engaging in said media in private away from the Gophers.

If you are talking about a Gopher dying, you cannot use the words “death” or “kill”. You have to describe the deceased Gopher as having gotten “free candy forever” or as having “become candy”.

Curfew

There is a mandatory curfew for all citizens between the hours of 7 PM and 7 AM. This is because walking around at night might upset any sleeping Gophers and cause them to start crying.

Media censorship

All books, television shows and movies are heavily regulated. This is to mitigate the risk of a Gopher accidentally watching something that they don’t like and starting to cry. As such, there are strict guidelines as to what sort of media is allowed.

Video games

All video games are completely banned for supposed violence. The most likely reason is the fact that games can have a lose condition. It’s also because Gophers are not cognitively advanced enough to derive any enjoyment from video games besides the moving images on the screen. If a Gopher were to lose at something, they might start crying.

Fiction

No story must ever depict a Gopher coming to harm. This not only includes physical harm but also a Gopher having its feelings hurt or being mildly inconvenienced. This means that any sort of plot is incredibly limited given their aversion to any sort of conflict. However, depiction of violence and punishment towards “meanies” is considered acceptable. Whatever the case, all stories must end with “and the Gophers got free candy forever”, the equivalent to “happily ever after”.

History and non-fiction

Historical texts must never mention the Gophers as having done anything bad. They must always be portrayed as “cute and cuddly” and “perfectly innocent”. This includes the obscene practices of the Cult of the Gopher Mother which must always be portrayed in a positive light. Any non-Gophers who were victims of their ritualistic sacrifices are generally portrayed as having “got what they deserved”.

Mathematics and science

Topics such as mathematics and science are also completely banned from schools. Gophertopia considers high intelligence a threat to the order, and to the Cult of the Gophers, a form of heresy. This even applies to the Gophers themselves as they will either euthanize or lobotomize any Gophers that exhibit signs of high intelligence.

Music

All music being played must be something that the Gophers like which are usually an assortment of nursery rhymes. Anything in the minor key is illegal along with any “harsh” instruments such as the electric guitar is banned.

Additionally, only calm, soothing lullabies are allowed to be played after sundown so as not to disturb any sleeping Gophers.

Nursery rhymes that aid in cognitive development are also banned. Naturally, this includes songs such as the ABC’s as Gophers are not capable of understanding individual letters.

Economy

There is no monetary system or individual ownership. Gophers are not individually housed, but it does not bother them. All military forces stay in barracks. Thus, the only private home in all of Gophertopia is the Queen’s residence.

The resources from the Resource Worlds are forcibly taken from, and the native inhabitants often enslaved. Worlds are specifically chosen across the multiverse for their plentiful, specifically required resource as well as the lack of the natives’ means of meaningful retaliation.

Education

Education for Gophers starts off at the daycare for Hatchling and Juvenile Gophers before moving over to the Gopher School of Cuteness. However, the scope of the curriculum is very limited as it omits very basic topics that are taught in more conventional schools elsewhere in the universe. Some notable omissions are writing, math, science and the history of worlds beyond Gophertopia.

Technically speaking, school is completely optional given that Gophers can do whatever they want. However, most of them attend school anyway as it’s an easy way to get free candy.

The topics that are taught in include the following:

• Nursery Rhymes – Gophers are taught how to read and speak through singing nursery rhymes.
• Bedtime Stories and Lullabies – Gophers are read stories and played lullabies so that they can fall asleep.
• Different Types of Candy – Gophers are introduced to the vast variety of candy, cookies, ice cream and other sweets.
• Growing Up as a Gopher – Gophers are taught the life cycle of how Gophers grow.
• Rules of Gophertopia – Gophers are taught how the government of Gophertopia works.
• Why Meanies Are Bad – Gophers are taught a propagandized history of other meanies and told why they are all bad people.
• Cult of the Gopher Mother – Gophers are introduced to the religious customs and the mythology of the Cult of the Gopher Mother.

There is no pass/fail system. All Gophers are rewarded equally with candy at the end of every class.

The education system also excludes specially bred worker Gophers. They are genetically created with all the knowledge they ever need to perform their jobs. Although the same could theoretically be done with Common Gophers, it is thought to be unnecessary due to the education system being treated as a form of entertainment for the Gophers.

Additionally, the education system is an opportunity for screening out Heretic Gophers. Gophers that exhibit abnormal levels of intelligence are usually separated out and put in jail with the other meanies.

Medical

There are no hospitals or dedicated medical facilities within all of Gophertopia. Non-Gophers have to seek out their own treatment from whatever facilities happen to be in the Resource Worlds while treatment for Gophers is conducted at the daycare.

For any Gophers that are sad or crying, emotional support is provided by the caretakers. They are given hugs and told everything will be okay and the meanies will never hurt them again (regardless of whether or not that is true).

One of the most common ailments that Gophers may get is indigestion, usually from overeating. The Gopher is given milk to drink until they feel better. This may actually make the Gopher feel worse, but the caretaker will still reassure them that they’ll eventually feel better. Any sort of bitter, foultasting medicine is forbidden because Gophers don’t like their taste.

For any physical injuries such as scrapes or broken limbs, however, the Gopher is euthanized regardless if the injury is treatable. This is because when a Gopher draws blood (or caramel in this case), other nearby Gophers have the instinct to devour the injured Gopher due to their blood being considered “candy” for them. This was determined through utilitarian means. Patching up an injured Gopher would deny any witness Gophers the chance to eat candy.

Religion

Despite Gophertopia’s attempts to create a perfect paradise of harmony, the Gophers still engage in obscene practices such as ritualistic sacrifice and cannibalism. Queen Ashley and her admins do not intervene as interrupting these rituals will make the Gophers cry.

Cult of the Gopher Mother

More info: Cult of the Gopher Mother

One particular practice among the Gophers revolves around the worship of a goddess known as the Gopher Mother. The Gopher Mother is believed to be a giant Gopher in space that will one day devour the entire universe and remake it into a paradise for Gophers forever.

Even among the more intelligent Gophers, they continue their gluttonous tendencies for religious reasons. They intend to fatten themselves enough so that one day, they can become “candy” for their goddess, the Gopher Mother. They hope to offer themselves as sacrifices to nourish the Gopher Queen so that it can begin the process of devouring and remaking the universe. An event known as the Calling (or the Wakey-Wakey) will summon all Gophers before the Gopher Mother to be eaten alive.

After the Gopher Mother consumes enough Gophers, it will begin the process of devouring planets one by one. Eventually, the Gopher Mother will become so full from eating planets that it will explode into a supernova that vaporizes everything else that it didn’t eat. The resulting scattered caramel will eventually form into new worlds which will all be considered perfect paradises for the Gophers. This moment in time is known as “Free Candy Forever”. Thus, whenever a Gopher utters this phrase, they are looking forward to this event.

Death Customs

Gophers do not mourn their dead. When possible, they will consume the remains of a deceased Gopher on the spot as a means of preserving the energy cycle eventually directed towards the Gopher Mother. Because Gopher blood is actually a form of caramel, the Gopher will just think it is more candy. It is not uncommon to see Gophers shouting the phrase “free candy forever” when this happens.

A common euphemism to refer to the death of a Gopher is that it “became candy”. When a Gopher is about to euthanized or sacrificed, they are told they are about to “become candy” to get them excited rather than scared or sad.

Culture

While most of the government infrastructure was developed by Queen Ashely and her admins, the Gophers themselves have developed a unique culture among themselves. This is especially apparent among Gophers that exhibit higher levels of intelligence but have still chosen to follow the culture.

Names

Aside from distinct administrators and staff, Gophers do not have individual names. All of them respond equally to referring to them as “Gophie”.

Sleeping

When a Gopher falls asleep, they are wrapped in a pink blanket and bonnet, and they are also given a blue and yellow pacifier.

Making sure a Gopher is well fed and comfortable before sleep helps to ensure that they have good dreams. Gophers will start crying if they are suddenly woken up from an outside force or if they have a nightmare.

Games and sports

Gophers often play games with one another, and they sometimes ask non-Gophers to join in. Common games include hide and seek and tag. It is considered forbidden, however, for any game to have an outcome where the Gopher may lose. When Gophers play with one another, it is mandated that everyone wins in some form. The loser still receives some sort of participation award in the form of candy. Non-Gophers must always allow themselves to lose and should never receive said participation award.

Festivals

Gophers will have frequent festivals that involve gorging lots of food. Holidays often include birthday celebrations every other week and seasonal festivals with lavish parades and marching bands playing nursery rhyme music. These festivities usually involve the copious consumption of candy, ice cream, cake and other sweets.

Naturally, outsiders that are considered heretics (known as meanies) are sometimes used in ritual sacrifices and are fed to larger Gophers. Heretics even include other Gophers that behave abnormally such as showing evidence of high intelligence – mostly consisting of either unmodified Gorgovsian Gophers or Heretic Gophers. Sometimes, the Gophertopia provides assistance by offering sacrifices from their prison population. It does not matter the severity of the crime. Only whoever the Gophers are currently craving.

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