A Gopher is a small rodent-like creatures known for being pests throughout Karland. Originally native to the hostile planet Gorgovsia, they were brought over to a new planet called Gophertopia where they were genetically engineered to have cute behaviors such as a desire for sweets and candy.
While seemingly harmless, their voracious habits pose a threat to all life in the universe. The Gopher Queen, an evil human witch, built the paradise Gophertopia by siphoning resources from other worlds throughout the universe.
Gophers on average are around one foot tall and weigh approximately 4 pounds. They have a slightly larger head than their body – the tops of their heads are shaped similarly to that of a teddy bear. Their eyes make up a significant portion of their skull. They have brown fur and a small rabbit-like brown tail.
Their limbs are short and stubby like an infant’s even into adulthood. At rest, they are bipedal but will go on all fours when walking.
Gophers come into two major categories. The original Gorgovsians are highly intelligent and cunning with their clever strategic thinking making up for that lack of physical strength. The second category consists of Common Gophers that retain infantile maturity levels throughout their lifetimes as a result of genetic engineering after the evil witch known as the Gopher Queen incorporated Luggsina‘s DNA.
Gophers reproduce asexually and are considered genderless. After eating enough nutrients, their tail will form into an egg which will eventually fall off and hatch into another Gopher.
The original Gorgovsian Gophers do not grow any larger than one foot. However, the genetically engineered variants will continue to grow so long as they maintain a steady consumption of food. Additionally, a trait acquired from Luggsina’s DNA was the ability for them to unhinge their mouths. They have a preference for sugary treats but will consume flesh – including other Gophers – if they mistake it for candy.
Gophers do not have teeth. Despite this, they will still attempt to chew their food and make audible noises when doing so. If the food they are trying to eat is particularly large, they will instead swallow it in one gulp. They almost always burp every time they eat something.
Gopher blood is thick and yellow, described as caramel. If a Gopher is hit by significant enough impact, it will splatter like an egg, spilling the caramel out.
While Gorgovsian Gophers have equivalent intelligence to other sapient life, the Luggsina-based Common Gophers do not.
Common Gopher behavior
Despite their ability to speak, Common Gophers are incredibly dull-witted with infantile tendencies. Gophers display very minimal brain activity, far lower than most animals. They lack the ability of object permanence, the ability to learn complex tasks as well as any significant semblance of long-term memory. It is believed their speaking and emotional abilities are preprogrammed, instinctual responses meaning they may be completely mindless and incapable of conscious thought.
Common Gopher speech is very basic, roughly equivalent to that of a small human child, likely a trait from Luggsina. However, unlike Luggsina, Gophers do not seem to demonstrate malice or mean-spirited behaviors. Common Gophers lack the ability to display complex emotions beyond being happy, sad or scared.
A Common Gopher is very easily distracted by sweets or candy. Upon seeing food, they will often call out “Candy!” and begin approaching it. They will blindly follow food into dangerous areas such as off the sides of cliffs or into striking range of a predator. If they are unable to reach their candy or if it is stolen from them, they begin to cry loudly and whine. This whine interacts with subatomic particles via quantum entanglement, meaning from anywhere in the universe, special equipment can detect a Gopher crying. This allows Gophertopian military forces to brutally attack and home in on anyone who makes a Gopher cry no matter where they are in the universe.
There are many variants of Gophers, often bred for very specific purposes.
- Common Gophers – Gophers are infantile animals considered an invasive species. Their sole motivation is to eat whatever sweets they see. The security of Gophertopia fiercely defends them with police helicopters.
- Knight Gophers – These Gophers share more traits with their Gorgovsian origins. They were genetically engineered as defenders and they wear protective armor.
- Fire Gopher – An experimental Gopher type that was created to inhabit lava. They tend to jump around and burn anything that touches them.
- Giant Gophers – Giant Gophers (aka Big Gophie) are overgrown variants that cannot subsist on sweets alone. Instead, they are opportunistic omnivores that eat anything that moves, including their own kind. Its thick layers of fat provide extra armor resistant to most attacks. When a Giant Gopher gets full from eating, they lay down on their backs and take a lengthy nap. During this time, their belly can serve as a trampoline.
- Silver Gopher – They are equivalent to Common Gophers in all ways except for their thick skin which cannot be penetrated by most weapons. These varieties do not inherently regulate hunger so they are prone to overeating causing their stomachs to swell to at least double the size of their head. When bloated, they roll around, and they can crush others with their sheer body weight. However, they usually just explode instead into a mess of caramel.
- Wizard Gopher – These are powerful Gophers that enchant their less intelligent relatives with a spell that makes them invulnerable while they sleep. They can also shoot energy beams of magic.
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