Gopher petkeeping

Gophers, are notoriously difficult to take care of. During the reign of Gophertopia, families were often forced by the government to take care of Gophers as pets. Gophers are best kept either alone or in small groups that are all about the same size as one another.

Feeding

Gophers should be kept fed with sufficient stocks of sugary treats. Any sort of sweets from candy, cookies, ice cream and others will keep them satiated. Feed them whenever they ask for food or if they start looking for food on their own. Once they are full, they will likely ask for an abdominal massage. Provide it to them until they either ask for something else or fall asleep on the spot.

Do not eat any food a Gopher might like in front of them. Doing so will make them cry due to their instinct of assuming whatever food they see is their’s to eat. Fortunately, Gophers are fine with seeing other Gophers eat food so long as it’s done within a communal gathering or celebration where all Gophers get food.

It’s worth noting that Gophers do not show a distinguished interest in toys. As a matter of fact, they will very likely mistake any toy you give them as candy, and they will attempt to eat them. Therefore, any gifts you give them should always be edible.

Entertainment

Whenever a Gopher is not eating or sleeping, a Gopher must be entertained. Several options are available although they are limited given they have no interest in anything that may aid directly in cognitive development.

Playing nursery rhymes on loop is an easy way to keep them occupied. Ensure the lyrics are either extremely simplistic, nonsensical/gibberish sounds, or corporate/government propaganda. If the Gopher likes the song, they will start dancing on the spot. If they don’t like the song, they will become distressed and may start crying.

Another easy way to entertain Gophers is to put them on slow-moving vehicles such as school buses or kiddie roller coasters. Sometimes, they may ask to play games with you directly like tag or hide and seek. If they do, you must always let them win. If they ever lose a game with you, they will start crying. If Gophers are playing with one another, ensure that you make it clear to them that everyone wins.

You can also put on TV shows or videos for Gophers to watch, but you must be careful about the subject matter. All Gopher TV should have bright colors and moving images with fast cuts. They are especially effective when paired with the nursery rhymes.

Do not show or tell them any stories that have plotlines where it involves a Gopher’s feelings getting hurt or anything about a Gopher getting harmed even in minor ways. However, graphically violent stories are fine so long as the “meanies” are on the receiving end. Make sure that all stories end with the phrase “and they had free candy forever”. This is the equivalent to “and they lived happily ever after”.

Celebrating holidays

If you choose to celebrate any holidays while a Gopher is in the household, you must give all food and gifts to them. They will get sad seeing a gift being given to someone else and will start crying.

• Birthdays – Under no circumstances should you celebrate your own birthday or the birthdays of non-Gophers around any Gophers. You can celebrate a Gopher’s birthday if you want although they do not understand the inherent concept beyond a chance to receive lots of sweets.
• Easter – Gophers will often eat the Easter eggs themselves without even opening them.
• Halloween – Leave out bowls of candy and let the Gophers gorge themselves. Gophers, however, do not like scary imagery, so intead, focus on only giving them candy.
• Thanksgiving – Simply serve the feast and do not eat any for yourself, or at least do not let the Gophers see you eating food.
• Christmas – Do not let any Gophers witness you receiving gifts or giving them to non-Gophers. All gifts should be given directly to the Gophers.

Additional dangers

Another thing to keep in mind is that while Gophers can determine for themselves whether or not they are full, they will never turn down any opportunity to eat candy. Keep them away from any pantries and any other stocks of food. They will overeat, and on some occasions, will even combust.

If a Gopher starts to cry, you might be in imminent danger. If you are within the vicinity of any conquered areas of Gophertopia, you might be arrested or shot down on the spot as making a Gopher cry can potentially be considered a capital offense. You will have a bit more time if you are in a world beyond its range, but they can nevertheless still be dangerous. A Gopher witnessing another one crying will likely cause it to start crying which will begin to exponentially spread. Giving a Gopher candy is an easy way to get it to stop crying, and hopefully, it will be enough to make it forget why it started crying in the first place.

Unlike intelligent Gophers, Common Gophers grow indefinitely. Larger Gophers will eat smaller ones, and any Gophers greater than six feet tall will attempt to eat humans. It is recommended to euthanize any Gophers that reach a height larger than two feet. While Gophers do not mourn their dead, they may start crying if they feel like they are in danger. The best way to explain death to them is to tell them that a Gopher “became candy”.

Also keep a lookout for Gopher eggs formed when a Gopher’s tail falls off. It is up to you whether or not you want them to hatch, but it is often best to dispose of them discretely if you want to keep their population under control.

Gophers should never be mixed with pets of other species. If big enough, Gophers will attempt to eat gerbils, hamsters, rabbits or any other small animal that can fit inside their mouths. With this knowledge in mind, do not let them near human infants or else the age rating of the Karland Universe could reach Mature levels.

Additionally, do not release them into the wild under any circumstances. They will cause ecological destruction by consuming the local food supply.

Gophers

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