Cult of the Gopher Mother

WARNING! This article is really weird and might be a little disturbing. It is not recommended to read this if you are eating or you just ate. Reader discretion advised.

The Cult of the Gopher Mother is the dominant religion of the Gophers. Despite the Gophers’ cute appearance and infantile tendencies, they engage in horrific, barbaric traditions to celebrate the coming of the Gopher Mother.

Traditional games

Gopher Toss

Gopher Toss is a seemingly innocuous game where larger Gophers will playful toss a smaller one into the air directly above them. The smaller Gopher enjoys it, often shouting something like “Weee!” as they are flung into the air. The larger Gopher will progressively throw the Gopher higher and higher.

From here, one of two things may happen. The larger one may fail the catch the smaller Gopher and it splatters on the ground. From there, other nearby Gophers will feast on the remains. The other possibility is that the smaller Gopher may instead land inside the larger Gopher’s mouth where it is then eaten alive.

Catch the Meanies

The society of Gophertopia naturally takes advantage of ritualistic sacrifices to dispose of meanies, the word for prison inmates within Gophertopia. Those awaiting execution are slathered in sugar and syrup, and then are forcibly put in costumes to make them look more like candy. Inmates vary heavily in species but the most common sacrifices are Heretic Gophers, gingerbreadmen and other sentient food.

Once the prisoners are ready, they are put into an extensive maze made out of sweets where they are chased by Giant Gophers that are set loose. Prisoners are told that if they escape the maze, they are free to go. But in reality, there are no exits at all. Any structures that look like exit doors are fake.

After a certain amount of time, the spectators of the arena are let into the maze all at once. A violent frenzy takes place where all the Gophers ravenously devour not just the maze but also one another and any other prisoners that survived long enough. The frenzy ends only when all Gophers left in the arena are too full to keep eating. In most occasions, the population of all participants is reduced to 30% of what it was before.

Only one prisoner on record has somehow managed to escape.

Eating contests

At least once per year takes place a sacred, gluttonous, cannibalistic tradition where two or more Gophers compete in a tournament to eat the most candy while an audience of spectating Gophers watch. Despite being a competition, the eventual outcome is the same where Gophers explode into a brilliant display of messy caramel.

Every competitor must eat as much food as they can all while trying not to explode from overeating. Once the food runs out, whoever has eaten the most wins. However, it does not end there. The Gopher who won is then obligated to devour the loser by swallowing them whole. Most of the time, the competitors are too full to even move by themselves. Therefore, the spectating Gophers help to push and roll the loser like a ball into the winner’s unhinged jaw.

After all the losers are devoured, if the winner hasn’t exploded yet, the spectators must offer themselves to be eaten. Many of the spectators are excited by this and are eager to participate. The winner is then rolled onto their back and a diving board is set up next to them. All volunteers then proceed to line up in a single file line and one by one, jump from the diving board and into winner’s mouth while shouting, “Me become candy!”. This process is repeated as needed.

When the winner finally explodes from overindulgence, the remaining spectators shout in unison “Free Candy Forever!” then gather around to eat the caramel remains of the winner and any other exploded Gophers.

Eating contests are specifically dedicated to not just the celebration of bountiful candy but also the worship of Gopher Mother. It is thought that the explosion of the winner is a reenactment of the prophesied event of their goddess. The Gopher Mother is said to remake the universe in a very similar way – gorging itself by eating entire planets until it explodes into a supernova.

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